Tuesday, February 15, 2005
I wrote this in my ocs journal under the light of a bedside lamp after a night's out on valentine's night:
All it took was a soppy "I Do I Do" movie (with two other guys, mind you.. haha) on tonight's love-is-in-the-air Valentine's Day for it to hit me again. The L-word, i mean. Havent blogged about it since the separation. And to think that a home-grown movie has such an impact indeed: The sappy music ("jiu shi ni.."), the images of sharon au and whoever-the-heck-that-handsome-guy-is embracing in the rain, coupled with that supercharged atmosphere of flower-grasping couples smiling in contentment, has caused the 10-foot wall around me to come crashing down, leaving me, once again, confused about that immortal mystery known as, LOVE.
(just an irrelevant side-point, the last time a local movie had such an impact on me was when Chicken Rice War was showing on channel 5.. dont ask.)
V-day, no matter how many times i declare it as overrated, overcommercialized and overpriced, has its inevitable magic. And once again, its effected me in the very way i've built myself up to defend against. The past three months was surprisingly easy. It was a simple task to crowd out all of the disgusting emotions that comes with the absence of love with packed activities, dates, gatherings, clubbing escapades and army. But of course, love has that sneaky way of wriggling its way into your consciousness when you least expect it, triggered by the most insignificant of occurances: being alone on Valentine's day.
Dont get me wrong: i will never go out of my way to find a valentine's day date when im single. Its just wrong. (not to mention, desperate) However, looking at how happy couples are together, (especially when there're a whole LOT of couples) you cant help but ask yourself, "what's that like?" What's it like spending the day in total bliss with the one you love, truly love for that matter, travelling back to those romantic puppy love days when the sun shone and the world danced with you?
If only love would come when we wanted it to. If only it wasnt so difficult to hold on to once you've received it. And if only it didnt hurt once it went away. She and i didnt work out.. there was a chance that it would, in the distant future, but recent events have changed my perspective entirely. Its taking quite a bit of courage to blog this, actually.
And so the search goes on. Maybe it shall never end. Maybe I wont let it end. But i shall never know till i know. (now, that sounded confusing, yes i know)
Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up with the spell broken. I shall re-enter the world of the military, the parties, the cameraderiae and the mindless exploits. Love shall seem insignificant once again. But it'll never really leave. It'll stay gnawing at the back of my mind, waiting for that little spark, like tonight's Valentine's Day magic, to grow and envelop me, leaving me vulnerable and confused once again.
-written 14 Feb 2005, 11.32pm
On a happier note, to those who've experienced the magic last night, Happy Valentine's Day!
he rocked the party at 12:29 AM |
