Thursday, October 30, 2003
i know i havent blogged this for a really long time but..
i just have to say it...
oh no its too gross really..
no one's gonna care actually..
i shouldnt be up so late cause i gotta wake up early tmr but...
oh screw it..
I love my girlfriend!!!
Yes i believe im the luckiest guy in the world. -sigh-
Ive fallen into this lovely dream which i dont want to wake up from.
he rocked the party at 8:49 AM |
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
How do you stop jealousy from eating you up? I hate myself for being jealous. I really do. Its childish, immature, unneccessary, and could prove to be detrimental. But i just am. Im sorry. Maybe im over-possessive, maybe im old fashioned. But i just cant help it.
Is it just me? To be totally insanely jealous over a simple, stupid unjustified reason? To be tormented over the smallest, seemingly casual and innocent gesture? To read and infer into the littlest of actions? Is it wrong? ARAGH i hate myself for being jealous. How can i learn to trust when i dont even have faith. No amount of reassurances will soothe me, because no matter how logical the reasoning may be, i'll still be jealous.
If i was my girlfriend, i'd be really pissed off with me. (cause i already am pissed off with myself.) Thank goodness she's wonderful and understanding. But i dont want to push it. I dont want to keep being jealous over the littlest of things that she becomes disgusted with me. Cause i know im disgusted with myself. This is crazy. Why am i like this? I have the perfect relationship and i have to dampen it like this?
I hate that evil geen eyed monster. Someone please teach me to be more trusting, more understanding, not to have double standards, not to be over-sensitive, cause if i dont solve it now, it'll destroy me in the future.
(well-meaning readers please note: dont worry, please dont post any messages of comfort, sympathy or whatever. My relationship's not in trouble or anything, im not going to commit suicide, im very happy with my life and im studying 10 hours a day. Or at least trying to.)
Just give me trust. Please.
he rocked the party at 8:59 AM |
Friday, October 24, 2003
Anyone have any idea what a courvoisier is? im listening to busta rhymes song with the same title and i think it sounds really funny. Oh well.
The new catchphrase of the year (or at least the next 6 weeks) is Lots-of-Determination-Lionel. For lack of another positive adjective which begins with L, that shall stick till i find a better one. (yes yes, ive heard it all before: lame, lost, loser, limp, lian, (nasi) lemak.. yeochi yeochi) Close to the finish line, ladies and gentlemen! This is like cross country... when all you can feel is your pounding heart throttling your chest, sweat dripping into your eyes, fatigue setting in.. and then comes that surge of hope when you turn left into the tarmac road leading back into macritchie reservoir. Other runners are starting to sprint, and you're psyching yourself and strategizing which is that crucial moment to put on that burst of speed, which would allow you to overtake the bulk of the competition in front, not too late that you realise you could have run past that buggerdil from S21 in front, yet not too early that it leaves you hobbling helplessly toward the finish line.
Nope, this is the part when your eyes narrow, the pain goes away, your breathing gets deeper, your calves burn up, and your sneakers dig into the ground, with each person you overtake being a distant memory. Such that the only clear image is that huge "Boys/Girls" banner, with the official handing out position tags.. and you go "crap i want my top 20 tag!"
Yes, in case you didnt know, im talking about the lovely A Levels.
(of course you knew didnt you? you're smart!)
Oh yeah.. and ive never gotten top 10 in a x-country competiton before, the best ive gotten was 17th, this year for the sajc x-country championships. Okay, irrelevant info.
The goal's right there.. just need to reach out and grab it. *growl*
My dad always told me that you know you've run your best when you crossed the finish line and know that you absolutely, stubbornly, completely cannot run another metre. That you're so exhausted that the only thing preventing you from collapsing is that realisation that you've attained what you've been training for.
so dear reader, dont call me out for the movies, dont ask me to go play pool, dont introduce me to a new book, smash my screen to stop me from friendster-ing, and sms me lots of "all the best" messages!
cause i'll do the same for you.. and i think if we push each other along in this final sprint, that medal may very well be ours.
I shall not enjoy myself these next 6 weeks. Feelings of relaxation and stoning will be kept to a minimum, sinful indulgence of wasting time in town will be limited to er... a few hours in total. (okay fine. So im going for lunch at fish and co with council, after which we'd be heading down to open house to poke around. but i promise this is the absolutely last time i'm enjoying myself till after the exams. Really!)
he rocked the party at 9:11 AM |
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Yes, im that pathetic. Boring post on exam blearghiness again.
Its a little more than two weeks to the big As. I feel prepared enough to not hardcore study, yet i also feel unprepared to do part year papers yet.
Insecurities, uncertainties, expectations. Make it or break it... yet still cruising along, friendster, blogging, love life, army decisions..
where are your priorities and drive lionel?
and stop whining on your blog!
he rocked the party at 8:24 AM |
Monday, October 20, 2003
Many thanks to everyone who gave me advice on the Big Decision! (see last entry)
I have decided: i'll let dad do his whatever political wrangling with dunno which manpower officer, and hope for the best that they let me transfer to normal bmt.
Outcome 1: I get into normal bmt, strive hard in it and maybe get into ocs!
Outcome 2: They refuse to let me transfer, giving some crap like "i understand that you have reason to be concerned in light of recent events, but you must understand that we are striving to achieve more transparency in the SAF.. bla blah" den i'll simply stay a commando, go through e tough training and get a red beret!
Outcome 3: They kick me into police, i slack off 2.5 years with ervin and glen and all e unexpected pple, and pick up driving and earn myself a gun and a pair of handcuffs. Heck, i'll even star in Heartlanders 3.
There: decided! simple. Three outcomes, optimistic attitude for whatever happens. I'll just let God decide which path is right for me.
Im sorry for this whole episode of brainless self-indulging. If i were you, dear reader, i'd think i was horribly self-obsessed and wasting my time on such trivial issues. And yet you still helped me out! You're wonderful you know that, give yourself a pat on the back.. *pat pat*
Hahahaha
Right. That does it i shant worry about it anymore. I'll start writing about normal issues from now on. Thank you again!
he rocked the party at 8:56 AM |
Sunday, October 19, 2003
I just jumped on the friendster bandwagon. My my, it IS addictive! dammit.
My dad's going to write a letter asking to withdraw me from commandos! He figures i have a good chance to being transferred out cause of my sister, who's autistic. Thought it was crazy at first, but on deeper thought it makes a whole lot of sense.
Like my dad said, "you excelling in commandos is a real rare chance. That's like asking you, with your okay grades, to be a scholar!" Which is true la, i may be able to get gold for napfa and i may be able to run fast, but that's nothing compared to the rest of the commandos. What chance do i have for ocs? Near zilch, im afraid, thinking of the practical aspect.
Now, says my dad, should i get transferred to normal BMT, and if i push myself, maybe i'll be able to be outstanding and stand a chance for OCS? yes? That is, after all, my aim isnt it? which is true. On his part, dad is really concerned over all the crap that has been going on in the School of commando training, and he doesnt want anything to happen to me, cause i gotta take care of my sis. (aww..)
Paradox: Its not going to be easy requesting for a transfer, since i got my letter already. What if they get so buay song they simply chuck me in police? There go visions of ocs, or parachuting out of a plane, whatsoever. Crap. That's the last thing i want to happen. I'd rather go through commando training.
How? 2 choices: Appeal for transfer, or not?
3 outcomes: 1)stay in commandos and not make it to ocs, 2)go through normal bmt (and hopefully ocs), 3)get chucked in police, or worse, civil defence!
I hate decisions like these. Like when i was deciding whether to stay in SAJC or go VJC. irritating. Help me out here, dear reader!
he rocked the party at 12:11 PM |
Thursday, October 16, 2003
What's this i hear about elite units and OCS? Apparantly, if you're in an elite military unit, eg commandos, naval diving unit, etc, you can only become an officer only if you sign on. I assumed it was only a rumour when my dad told me, but nolan's info today sorta confirmed it. Hmm. Does anyone know anything about it, dear readers?
Well, the interviewing officer at hendon camp did mention it was extremely difficult to get into ocs, esp in commandos, but i figured if you were really good and fit and handsome and "chiong-sua" and in the top 10% you'd probably be able to make it.. (yes an extremely far fetched goal for me. But at least its something worth working for)
Call me superficial, call me over-ambitious, yes, call me arrogant. But i admit, yes, i really do want to get into ocs. After watching their parade this year, my gosh.. you really cant describe the sense of awe and admiration for them as you watch them fling their peak caps in the air. They, in their smart spotless Number 1 uniform, well built and well defined, with a cameraderie no council can describe, and a pride and loyalty which can be developed only through months of vigorous training. (not to mention their lovely pay)
Yes its blind vain ambition. But someone said something recently that made alot of sense: That when you go into something, esp the SAF, you either work your ass off, go all the way to the top, or you simply slack two years away. No in-betweens. And council has taught me option A is always better.
-sigh- Irritating piece of news sia. Maybe i SHOULD sign on. But even if i did, there's no guarantee i'd get in either. Crap. What was i thinking during the interview when i said yes? Regret regret.. No no regrets, not good to regret.
Another piece of scandalous news: apparantly a commando died during training because his officer drowned him by dunking his head in water! My dad said it was in the news. Scary! Seems, the commander is gonna get sacked. Dont tell me its that major jack lau i read about in The 1st Degree.. wah wasted sia if he gets sacked.
Scary stuff huh, this military thing.
he rocked the party at 11:28 AM |
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Okay corny title. Forgive me. Its 2.27am.
I just spent the last four hours tidying up my room. There's something very zen about tidying up my room. I feel extremely contented now. Hmm.. I think i read about something like that somewhere.. something about feng shui and how its better to be clutter-free. Whatever.
I did quite alot! Even threw out the books i dont read anymore, so they can be donated to salvation army. My book collection is now reduced to about half its original size. Hmm. And all my notes are in neat colour coded files too. So proud of myself haha. The only thing i didnt touch was my messy drawer.. cause its wouldnt be a messy drawer if i tidied it up now would it.
Okay i know this is very boring. But ah. Too lazy to write interesting stuff.
Catch ya later!
he rocked the party at 11:25 AM |
Friday, October 10, 2003
Quoted from the Chi-cock himself, "Someone's got to get that car, get that job, get that girl, ...(a whole lot of other gets)... why not you?
Hahahahah farewell assembly video of the teachers was by far the funniest thing i've seen. SA teachers are so cute. Like kids like that, all of them, especially the econs department and the HODs, always arguing over who should talk first. Hahaha!
Anyone who said today wasnt special is lying. Today WAS pretty special in all our hearts, whether we admit it or not. It wasnt special in the "boo hoo i wont see my friends ever again" kind of sad cause that's just bullshit. Still have irritating A levels. But by virtue of the fact that "I Dont Know About Tomorrow" and all of Mr Wee's chapel hymns sounded louder than it has ever been (much louder than the usual mumblings of a sleepy thursday morning student population anyway), the spontaneous rising of the entire hall in a rendition of the college hymn, the spirited cheering of the classic 3 Basic cheers, oh yeah it was definitely special.
Okay so im an ungrateful prat. But i've only just realised today how great our teachers are. Watching the video, hearing them sing (did you see Caleb Lee without his xialan smile for once, staring down into his booklet and singing Michael W Smith's Friends? Its both admirable and horribly aww-inducing) I think SA has some of the best teachers around. Sure, its easy to bitch about them, but even the hopeless at teaching/xialan/blur/psycho ones made an impact on our lives here. And you cant deny that they all work really hard.
Tribute to Ms Edna Lee: She's damn power la. There's no other word to describe her. Firstly, she really knows her econs stuff. Much better than most other teachers. Think if it werent for her i'd have dropped econs and not be taking s paper. She's really good at explaining concepts sia. Very evident in my JC1 topics, all those that she taught and lectured im really good at, and all those that *ahem* someone else lectured about im still quite blur-ed about.
And and and, she understands students very well. Partly cause she's young.. Just married last year. (to an SJI boy! she has good taste) Think many people will agree with me that she's very chio, *whistles* which at least makes econs tutorials good to look at. hahaha. And with her ah lian logic and laughter, give green slips without question, horny jokes insinuator attitude, she's someone my entire class can relate to, which automatically sets her above our other teachers and gains our respect.
Plus: she makes cool presents for us before exams! Like whittled pencils, good luck cards and whole lot of other things. Today was damn funny. My class S71 wanted to surprise her with a photo frame from each of us, personally decorated with a photo/letter. Sweet right? Problem is, she had the same idea, bought the exact same photo frames, painted them (much nicer than the frames we gave her) and placed our class photos inside! Now how sweet is that? And each frame is painted really intricately with different designs somemore. Told you she was power.
Okay i better stop rattling about her or you'll think im infatuated with her.
Back to the point: Farewell Assembly, aside from encouraging us to "fare well" for A levels, (heh) has a real significant impact! Imagine sia.. no more lectures, no more tutorials, no more rubbishy remedials, we're on our own to face the big scary future and more immediately, the big scary a levels. Yeah la, we have all those holiday maths sessions and consultations and all, but its not the same la, to know that you're passed the stage of formal education. 15 years of wearing a uniform will soon come to a close. (Yes yes, army still have to wear uniform. Im talking about school uniforms la smart aleck)
Big scary future. Exciting, isnt it? I love Sajc.
I just realised this entry is full to Singlish. Well, im in a singlish mood. So help me.
he rocked the party at 8:50 AM |
Thursday, October 09, 2003
..Performed at the Esplanade? Seen a humungous backstage larger than two St Andrew's Cathedrals? Been to a dressing room the size of a hotel room? Had two mirrors with LIGHTS? (my narcissistic fantasy indeed) Showered and peed in the esplanade dressing room toilet? (yes the dressing room toilet has three showers, complete with misty glass cubicles, adjustable hot water, adjustable air conditioning, personal dustbins, and the name of your group on the door)
Oh yes, i did all that today.. thank you thank you.
Forgive my bimbotic sounding rantings dear reader, but i believe i have found my niche lifestyle. yes yes. i shall be a rich and famous international act just so i can enjoy the wonders of the Esplanade Dressing Room once again.
Talk about first class facilities.
The SAJC dance society spent the last day of lessons today at the esplanade, preparing for our final performance (yes this is the ultimate confirm guarantee chop marakatham last one) for the opening item of "MITA and Partners Creative Singapore Speaker Series" Who cares that the audience was probably full of old farts who dont have a clue why we're prancing about on stage, who cares the the stage left our feet disgustingly black (i mean REALLY black.. quite funny to see everyone with black soles) who cares that we had to wait 5 hours for our performance, the dressing room made it all worth it.
I have decided that i shall be a movie star or theatre actor of sorts, earn about 10k a month, travel around the world and receive star treatment. But first, i have to do well for A Levels.
Tomorrow's the last day of school. Im a little sentimental, but mostly dont give a crap really. I'll probably be coming back like everyday to mug. Dammit i want my beloved Council Room Public Relations Officer Bottom Right Hand Corner Locker back! Grr.
he rocked the party at 9:07 AM |
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Contrary to what our beloved dp (and everyone else) says, the key to success isnt working hard. No no, i have decided as of today that the key to success is working SMART, at least in the context of mugging.
Consider case 1: the chao mugger who spends 18 hours a day memorizing bond angles of tetrahedral compounds, liquidity preference theories (grin. see below) and how to study for a blood test (geddit geddit? blood test? ahahah) He works his ass off, has no life, burger king macdonald's (im loving it!) and coffee bean staff have grown accustomed to chasing him off after closing time. im sure HE's not loving it..
Consider case 2: the not so hardworking but has a life mr happy. He doesnt score particularly well in class tests, skips some lectures, but at least does all his tutorials. Come exam time, he studies for say 6 hours a day, he goes through summarized notes, tries out relevant test papers and checks out the answer scheme if he doesnt know the answer, does pretty well in the exam, and still has time for sports, chill-out outings and himself!
Now, in true Fab Detergent style, which would you prefer: Brand X or Fab?? Fab of course, cause its fabulous!! (dang, companies should just hire me to do their slogans, if they dont mind a little bit of corniness.)
Wait before you start protesting. Character is Case 2 does NOT represent yours truely. In fact, i was sadly Case 1 for a good part of the last two years.. bleargh. Case 2 is what i WISHED i'd been. Grr.
(If you're wondering why im being so politically correct, i just found out from prying-eyes xialan candance today that supposedly "everyone" reads this blog, and i can no longer boast about results, insult the general population, nor boost my ego in any way. Bleargh. What good is a blog then?)
Anyway, yes. Its important to study smart. Yes, we all want to do well, but are we really going to let a bunch of nerds who only know how to mug mug mug to lead our country? Nah. Study smart, go get a life, find a love, better yourself, and when you DO get your excellent results, you'll know that you've attained TRUE success. Okay maybe you wont top your faculty, but 3 As 1 B isnt too bad either! (im not saying i want 3 As 1 B. Give me my 4 As!) Yup, cause if there's anything i learnt in SA, true success comes when you've lived life to the fullest in every aspect, not in just that results slip.
--yes yes, i must strive hard to get good results in that slip of paper too. All those carpe diem-ing isnt going to mean shit alongside 4 Fs. No no.--
Which is why... we decided to combine study and fun today during Econs lecture. Stealing the idea from rjc debbie, (ok ok fine, no originality), I, together with Second and Eric, have come up with a list of
Perverse-Sounding Words in Economics!
Here are just a few of the better ones:
Law of Variable Proportions, frictional unemployment, Liquidity Preference Theory, (linked to) sticky prices, kink(y) demand curve, contractionary/expansionary policy, injections/withdrawals, multiplier effect.
Hahaha! Now isnt THAt smart studying?
he rocked the party at 9:21 AM |
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
... And Blog that Bloggy Bloggy.. (yes i know i havent updated for awhile)
Of Funny Songs
Now isnt that the funniest song? Hahah i think its quite cute.. reminicent wild images of clubbing days flashing through my mind. (note to self: keep that bollywood-ish thought of synchronised dancing on the dance floor in check. That only appears in S club videos.)
Of Politically Correct Enlistment Letters
Anyway, that's not i wanted to talk about.
Check out what i received in the mail:
Dear Enlistee,
we have just received the updated NAPFA test results from the Ministry of Education and are hereby pleased to inform you that you have been scheduled for enlistment into full-time National Service (NSF).
We apologise for the inconvenience caused and take this opportunity to wish you all the best in your NSF training.
What bughedils.. tsk tsk. Say as if its not their fault like that.
And in another part:
"You are hereby notified that the Proper Authority has decided under Section 27 of the Enlistment Act (Cap.93) to postpone until 27/01/2004 your liability to render full-time National Service subject to the following conditions:
You are to report directly to your unit of posting on 28/01/2004 at 8.00AM
What bughedils! Quite smart actually, make it sound like a postponement. Hahaha oh well who cares.. at least can go in a little late! :) Still with 1st commando battalion at hendon camp.. all you prospective Italian Jobbers who would help to break me out of camp when i request, do take note! The hefty reward is not promised tho.
Of Risky Wrists
-Owtch- i dunno what happened to be wrist. Its been hurting really bad for the past few days, especially when i try to bend it back. Cant even do a freaking pushup. Tried to pull down isky's pants after lecture that day and it hurt like crap. Ahahaha! Anyway, dad took me to see his Oesteopath or however you spell it and seems i've got an inflammation from "accumulated stress" from all the breakdancing and stuff. Bleargh. Have to ice my wrist twice a day. Oh dont worry, dear reader, im fine, it should go away in a few days hopefully (den i can go back to pulling down isky's pants), thank you for the concern, chocolates, instant noodles and other get-well gestures will be well appreciated. (a get well kiss is definitely a high priority, tho only one person can give it. Haha)
Of Happiness of the Soul
It was our one month two days ago. -smiles- Its such a strange feeling, to be in love. But hey, it sure feels good. (another note: shall stop being mushy on my blog. i know how irritating it is.)
he rocked the party at 8:15 AM |
Friday, October 03, 2003
Love is a sudden streak of feminist independance.
Love is a heavy bag of ntuc groceries, painstakingly converted into a delicious home made plate of heavenly pasta, washed down with a bottle of root beer.
Love is a sharing an apple.
Love is scrubbing plates, pots, pans, woks, the sink, the tabletop, as well as gingerly plucking out traces of soggy pasta from the depth of the sink.
Love is the careful selection of fruits to ensure they are all too good.
Love is the gift of grapes and hor fun.
Love is the happy simple reading session of blogs.
Love is the simple pleasure of watching an sinfully dance-filled show in a darkened environment, with root beer and grapes for company.
Love is sacrificing leaning against the chair for someone else.
Love is a much needed phone call on the way home.
Love is knowing how much she means to me, from the small gestures to the furtive glances, to the sweet smiles to cheery hellos, to the knowledge that there are some things which cannot be understood, but can be transcended, simply, by love.
I love you too.
he rocked the party at 10:47 AM |
The mark of a true friendship is being separated for a long time, and being able to pick up right where you left off when you finally meet again.
Finally managed to meet up with good ol happy-cutesy-smile-insightful-thoughts-punctuated-with-"my legs are so fat" debbie two days ago.
(yes fine, so i didnt blog for three days.. im only human!)
Perhaps its one of life's simple pleasures to have a best friend of the opposite sex, one who's stuck by you for the longest time, longer than any of your other buddies (that somehow sounded sick.. heh. Clean your minds all your disgusting pervs!) One who's able to inspire by filling up challenging Yale and Cornell application forms right infront of you. (did you know ur required to write 5 essays for just one application? Crazy ang mos..) One who's able to give love life advice, squeal "aww"-inducing whinings, treat you to dinner, knows what you're thinking, offer insightful Puppet Master theories..
speaking of which, a few lessons learnt from a simple day out with her (some are stolen from her blog. Im sorry, its 1.03am, been two days, i have no imagination.)
1. For all guys, to get a good laugh, bring your pals to citylink mall, on that stretch just before you reach suntec and marina, and ask them to pronouce the shop name prominently featured. Fyi, the shop's name is Fa:Ge. Hanyu Pinyin pronunciation anyone? :)
2. Women are secretly ruling the world. In her words, "the mark of a true ruler is being able to rule without people knowing they are being ruled upon"
Men take up all the positions of power on earth, but they are inevitably controlled by the Female Influence slyly working in the background. Think about it: a simple heart melting whining session would reach the core of even the most hard-hearted men wouldnt it?
3. Boyfriends have a criteria to fulfill. They have to walk a girl home, write nice poems, be sensitive, carry shopping bags, and the Number One Golden Rule of all: never to occupy the much coveted seats in women's shoe shops while their girlfriends are shopping, because their fellow sistahs need the seats more. They are to quietly and inconspicously hang around outside the shop, and not allow their straying eyes to slip toward the undergarment shop. Hmm.. potential debbie suitors take note!!
4. The esplanade bay is not a good place to take someone who's not your girlfriend. Because 1) it is full of couples making out, 2) it is tempting to talk about everything else except what to write in university app forms, and 3) it is highly likely you'd run into your real girlfriend's ex boyfriend with HIS girlfriend eyeing you suspiciously and finally uttering an incredulous "Huh? You came here just to TALK?" Real girlfriend's ex boyfriend may feel it is his civic duty to message real girlfriend and report im cheating on her causing unneccessary drama mama sessions.
(fyi, real girlfriend was fully informed of my outing and my whereabouts. coincidentally, real girlfriend was also out with her best guy friend. so there! i could never lie to her anyway. Smiles)
5. I shouldnt be worried about passion burning out in a relationship, because passion never really burns out, it just transforms into a more stable feeling of trust, mutual respect and love.
6. Fish and Co is celebrating International Friendship Week this week, judging from their multi-national crew of waiters/waitresses at fish and co suntec. Also, rule of thumb: if you want to leave and cancel your order so as to switch to a healthier Subway salad, decide and leave quickly, before your soup comes, or you'll be forced to consume fattening butter-saturated mussells (but delicious nonetheless yes deb?) A doll faced mousy cute indonesian/thai waitress made up for it, with deb and i planning how to kidnap her because she was unbelievably sweet and (too) nice.
(if my darling's reading this, dont worry, you're still the sweetest and nicest. smiles)
7. True friendship does exist after all. Its been what, 6 years? and still counting too. Through happy and sad times, through scouting and guiding campfires and combined trainings, through pasar malam outings, through aimless walking through shopping malls hunting for that elusive dress, through wild clubbing stints and sobering taxi rides back home, through headache inducing mugging sessions stealing econs notes, through sushi introducing and youth challenge fiascos, through disgustingly funny christmas cards, through "oh stop tempting me to eat, im so fat already" conversations, the true flame of friendship burns brighter with the passing of time.
Okay this isnt as nice as the one she wrote, but she's always been more eloquent in blogging anyway. Been trying to blog like her for ages, never did succeed. Go take a look at her blog!
he rocked the party at 9:44 AM |
