Saturday, January 15, 2005
There's this ever-present thought wriggling at the back of my head, which i've tried many times to vocalise, but have been unsuccessful so far. So, i shall attempt to do it again.
The past few days of before-Brunei block leave have been spent, well, aimlessly. With absolutely no meaning whatsoever. I've had chalets, bbqs, clubbing and shopping trips.. Do you sometimes get the feeling that you go through life without knowing why you're doing that particular something, or that whatever you're doing seems wrong even though you dont know why? I do. Hmm.
Personally, i try to block that particular (unpleasant) train of thought from entering my mind too often. Its uncomfortable. And i shall never really find the answer to it anyway. Thus, i try to fill my days with busy activities, pack my schedule with meetups, dates, bbqs, lessons, performances, parties and of course, the disgusting, unavoidable army training. But most of them seem, well, flat. Without purpose. As if i've wasted another few hours of my life. Its irritating. Of course, there's that other extreme where i do absolutely nothing at all for a whole day, spent with myself, reading a book at the esplanade, watching dvds, downloading music and playing with html. Which is even worse: i end up feeling like a bum. So, which is the right way to live life?
Of course, it doesnt mean i havent felt life has been meaningless all this while. Yes there ARE some moments where i've felt the zest of life, and was, well, happy. Like doing my first ever airborne jump. Or before, during, and after performing at an adrenelene-filled dance concert. Or (finally) getting a Commando Gold for IPPT. Or going for a really good dance class. Or spending a really really really fun, laughter-filled, boyish cameraderie-d guys' night out with the councillors. Or heck, the busy/happy/crazy/dancey/stressful Orientation 1/Grad Night/Teachers' Day, etc Or having a really good conversation with great old friends, or old great friends (depening on the age group, haha), over lunch/dinner/tea/shopping/movies, so much so that i truly felt that i had a great time. (so, if ive ever messaged you to tell you that "i had a great time", congrats, you've made an impact on me. Haha) Or getting a scholarship. Or winning ANY prize from anywhere (yes, even the army).
But these are occasional occurances. How DO you make yourself feel that you've lived life to the fullest every single day? Carpe Diem is the motto, yet its so damn difficult to follow, aint it? It sure aint through achievements, all my life i've tried to fight to achieve, just so i could taste the euphoria of life at that sparkling moment when i realise "yes, i've done it. Life is good." Perhaps its why i try to do my best in OCS even though i hate the army, and will try my best to be a good officer this yr, just so that i could look back and say, "i've done it." and know that i didnt waste 2.5 years of my life stoning around in some storeroom or office. But surely, there's more to life than achievements. As i've blogged about so long ago, how do you carpe diem and stay happy at the same time?
And in the present moment of being in the midst of ocs' tough training, heck it sure feels like there's no better way of wasting your time. Shee-eesh. Does living life to the full only involve the happy moments? i think not. Yet, my mind often tries unsuccessfully to convince my heart about that. You cant get the happy, euphoria-filled moments without the tough, sad ones now, can you? Still, the tough, sad ones sure dont feel right.
Sometimes, even the happy experiences dont feel right. Like clubbing. Out of the ten billion times i've gone clubbing, when are the occasions that i've sat at the back of a taxi on the way home and can safely say that i've had a good time? Only a couple of times, i think. I love the music, love the company and love the drinks. But i sometimes find a moment of soberity in the middle of the dance floor (esp when a lousy song comes on) when i discover "bleagh, im wasting my time, this doesnt make me happy at all!" No matter how good the music is, the novelty dies down and the dust settles all too sudden.
Ahhh.. i think this topic is too general and too deep for me to successfully describe it. My mind wanders in too many directions at too fast a speed. But here, in yet another attempt, i've tried to describe it in the best possible way. And i shall keep trying. I wish i knew how to stay happy, because i taste it every once in a while, but that taste fades away really quickly, like how u chew gum for an hour and realise that there hasnt been any taste in your mouth for the past 55 mins. And that's just the icing: does meaning of life = being happy?
i honestly dont know.
And i've got to go: i've got yet another night out to prepare for, hoping, yet again, that it'll feed me with that little slice of happiness. And the cycle goes on.
he rocked the party at 11:03 PM |
